


I Can Do It.

by HolyKingWasteLand



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Donnie shuts it down, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, Protective Donatello (TMNT), Self-Harm, Strong Donatello (TMNT), Tattoos, We Die Like Men, also, how to tag, near the end, what Donnie does to himself for his brothers could be considered self harm?? Be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 15:09:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20837567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyKingWasteLand/pseuds/HolyKingWasteLand
Summary: Mikey finds a tattoo gun in Donnie's lab and begs for a tattoo. Donnie tries it on himself first to test it, and then does it to his brothers. They ask for more and more, but Donnie won't do anything to them unless it's been tested, and the only person around to test it on is himself.This fic was inspired by "Minor Modifications by slipstream" ( https://archiveofourown.org/works/2561666 )No copyright infringement intended, I just really liked the idea! If slipstream sees this and wants it taken down, please let me know!





	I Can Do It.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Minor Modifications](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2561666) by [slipstream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slipstream/pseuds/slipstream). 

> TWs:  
-The way Donnie tests everything on himself (despite not wanting anything) could be seen as self harm  
-Raph asks Donnie to cut words into him at the end of the fic, heavily implying self harm
> 
> Also!!!  
I wrote this on my phone while on Cruise for 2 weeks, so I'm sorry if the layout is a little bit weird!

** MICHELANGELO **

Honestly it was just a silly late-night idea he had. He didn’t think much of it at the time. He just put it together piece by piece until it was done. 

Then it sat on his shelf for months. 

The tattoo gun didn’t see the light of day until a certain snooping Terrapin found it. 

“Hey Donnie, what’s this?” Mikey asks, turning around with the little gun in his hands. His eyes are slightly wide, a little scared about what his brother had made, until Donnie looks at it with a smile. 

“Oh, that old thing.” He takes it from Mikey and turns it over in his hands. “Wow, it’s been a while. I made this thing months ago.” He blows out a little breath, the tattoo gun had totally slipped his mind. He didn’t even have ink or anything, it was harmless. He told this much to Mikey. 

“Ahhh, I see! But why’d you make it?” Mikey sits down at the desk and Donnie follows suit, placing the gun down carefully. 

“I’m.. not sure, it was really late at night.” Donnie scratches his head in thought. “There wasn’t any particular reason for it, I sure as shell don’t want a tattoo.” He shrugs and looks over to Mikey. The younger boy has stars in his eyes and bounces on the seat. 

“Does it work?? I want one!” Mikey practically shouts with glee, reaching out to take it. Donnie taps his hand lightly, making Mikey withdraw.

“It should work, but I don’t have any ink so-“

“Let’s ask April!!” Mikey jumps off the chair and bolts out of the lab to fetch his phone. He doesn’t listen to Donnie calling his name, or the sigh that comes with it. 

Mikey comes back after a little while with his bright puppy dog eyes in play. The phone is in his hand and he can see April is still on the line.

“Donnie, April said she could order the ink for us and then bring it over when it arrives.” Mikey’s voice drawls closely to a whine as he begs. “Can we? Can we can we can we?”

Donnie looks down at his little brother and sighs. “I suppose so, Mikey-“ He’s cut off by Mikey’s scream of joy as the younger bounces around the room talking April’s ear off. Donnie laughs and gestures to the phone, which is quickly placed in his hand. “Hey April, I’ll send you the links and give you the money when you’re over next, okay?”

“Of course! But what sparked this whole tattoo thing?” She asks. 

“Honestly? I don’t know.”

* * *

A few weeks later, Donnie has the ink and the gun is in working order. He’s also made up a cream that should work to keep his skin hydrated while it’s wrapped. It’s nearing two in the morning, but Donnie has to figure out what the pain is like on them, and if his brother is going to need medication to get through it.

He doesn’t do anything on his arms, they’re too important to be out of commission. So he draws on his thigh. He starts off with a simple line and then waits. It doesn’t really hurt, there’s a slight sting, but it’s mostly vibrations. 

He waits a full twenty-four hours before continuing anything. He waits for a sign of infection or a reaction to the ink, but it doesn’t do anything. He leaves it as a line- he never really wanted tattoos anyway- and goes off to bed. 

The next day, he goes into Mikey’s room. The boy is half asleep but is very enthusiastic when Donnie says, “I can do it.”

Mikey has a bunch of designs that he likes, but eventually he decides on the Japanese symbol for family. 

Donnie loves the symbolism behind it, and agrees that it’s a lovely first tattoo. 

He takes him into the lab and sits Mikey down. He puts on his black rubber gloves- fitted to his hands- and a black face mask just to be safe. 

He uses a light-coloured marker as a stencil, and puts it on Mikey’s left shoulder (per his request). He waits and makes sure it’s perfect before he starts inking. 

He does line after line, his hands are steady from growing up as the inventor and medic of the family. 

He finishes the word rather quickly, and Mikey doesn’t say anything about the pain, so he must be alright. 

He wipes away the excess ink, before showing it to Mikey. If his eyes were bright before, they were like staring into the sun now. He squeals out of glee and wants to move and hug Donnie, but the older holds him still. 

“Hang on, I still have to use the cream and then wrap it.” He pauses. “You like it?”

“Like it? I love it!!” Mikey weeps with joy, making Donnie smile easily. It’s like a weight has been lifted from his chest.

“Great, I’m glad. Now just hold still a second.” He creams and wraps it, before finally letting Mikey stand up. 

“Now, make sure you keep this wrap on, and don’t wet it for at least four weeks. If it gets itchy, or infected, let me know as soon as you feel it. Understood?” He goes full ‘Doctor Donnie mode’ as Mikey puts it, and the younger rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah I got it! Thanks so much Donnie!” He jumps into Donnie’s arms and gives him a hug, causing the older to laugh and return it. 

“Of course Mikey. I’m really happy you like it.”

* * *

** LEONARDO **

Mikey isn’t the only one who likes it. As soon as the wrapping is off, Leo and Raph come to him at separate times asking for one too. 

Leo wants a little tattoo of a cherry blossom on his inner left wrist. Donnie confirms that he can do it and it goes by rather quickly. Leo doesn’t feel any pain, and by the end of it he has a cute little tattoo. He thanks Donnie with a hug and goes on his way. 

But that isn’t all he wants. 

A few days later, Leo is back in the lab watching Donnie fiddle with Metalhead. Donnie looks up at him and smiles. “Hey Leo, what’s up?” He says, turning in his seat to face him. 

Leo sits down next to him and looks at the floor, gathering his thoughts before he speaks. “I like Mikey’s tattoo, of the kanji for family.” He says softly, and then looks up at Donnie. “Is there someway you could put it on my shell?”

To say Donatello was surprised would be a lie. He knew sooner or later their leader would come to him asking about it.

“I mean- sure, nothing’s impossible but-“ Donnie’s thoughts start swirling around his head and he speaks them out loud- “the tattoo ink wont be able to lodge itself into your shell. We could use paints but that’s not permanent and would have to be reapplied frequently. I’m sure there’s a way to make it stay but right now-“

“Could you carve it into my shell?”

The question makes Donnie pause. He stares at his brother with intense eyes. Carving a terrapin shell is beyond dangerous- it’s downright idiotic. He’s sure Leo knows this.

“That’s too dangerous Leo, what if something happens and I end up going to deep and you end up paralysed? What if-“ He’s cut off by Leo taking his hands in his own. 

“I trust you, Donnie.” Is all Leonardo says before exiting the room. This leaves many more intense thoughts flying around Donatello’s head.

What if someone bumped him, or Leo moved and he ended up paralysed? They couldn’t work without their leader. What if something happens and Leo doesn’t forgive him; he’d be tossed out of the lair for sure. What if- What if—

Donnie slaps himself. The stinging on his cheek does wonders to stop his train of thought.

He inhales deeply, holds it, and then let’s it out.

He’s still tense, but now his brain is functioning more as an inventor than as a concerned younger brother. 

He turns back to his desk and gets to work. 

* * *

Twenty-six hours and four minutes. 

That’s all it took for Donnie to get this device functioning. 

He’s tested it on little bits of wood, and it’s worked fine, but he has to test it on an actual shell to make sure it works. 

He sits and stares at his machine, the same thing he’s been doing the last hour. He’s sitting and watching and waiting. 

Should he? He has no idea if it’ll work. It worked on the wood, but that’s a different texture thickness and danger level than on his actual  brother . 

Sighing, Donnie stretches out his stiff limbs. 

If he’s going to do it, may as well do it now. 

He sets up a mirror in front of him, and a mirror behind him, placed in such a way that he can see his own shell. He makes sure the machine is plugged in, and then uses a little remote to direct it left and right. 

He’s extremely nervous, but his hands are still. His eyes flick back and forth, watching- always watching. He gets used to the controls for a few minutes, not bringing the machine any closer until he’s ready. 

Is he ever going to be ready?

He takes in a deep breath and presses onward, allowing the machine to buzz closer to his shell.

He keeps track of his breathing as the whirring becomes almost a backtracking noise. The sent of metal in the lab becomes almost too much, but he pushes forward- he knows it’s just him being afraid, he’s alright. 

Donnie watches, eyes unblinking for as long as they can stay open. He blinks quickly, keeping his eyes trained on the drill like a hawk to its prey. 

After nearly five minutes, Donnie turns it off. 

He takes a few laboured breaths, trying to collect himself, before he looks into the mirror behind him. 

His shell is no longer perfect as it once had been. It has an indent, where the drill dug into his shell. He looks at it with faintly interested eyes. 

They’re more distant than anything.

After turning the machine off, he heads to bed, exhausted by the whole affair. 

He doesn’t get much sleep that night, the whirring too fresh in his mind. He tosses and turns, and eventually gives up once he hears Leo get up for his morning meditations. 

Maybe he’d go and meditate with him, try to wash off the terror that grips his bones. 

* * *

It’s two days later that Donnie approaches Leo. 

“I... I can do it.” He says uneasily, and watches Leo’s eyes light up. Leo stands from the couch and follows Donnie into the Lab. 

He sits down in his designated seat, and Donnie rushes around him trying to get everything ready. 

He puts on his gloves, despite knowing the machine will do most of the work, it’s more of a comfort thing. He gently places his face mask on, and then sits on his own chair. He’s replaced his usual rolly-chairs with stationary ones for today. He can’t afford to make a mistake. 

He sets up the drill, positioning it at the start of the Kanji. He knows what it looks like- they’ve all had it ingrained in their brains since they were babies- but he keeps a reference beside him for good luck. 

The whole back-piece wont take five minutes. They’d be lucky to do it in two hours. But Donnie has to start sometime, so he takes a deep breath. 

“Try not to move, okay?” He tells Leo, who nods once. 

“You got this, Donnie.”

And they begin.

Donnie is tense, but he pushes through his nerves in order to do this for Leo. No backing out. 

The drill begins at a soft hum as it connects with Leo’s shell. 

Line after line, Leo stays deathly still- just as Donnie had asked him. 

As he nears the end of the engraving, he’s just thickening the line. He goes over it again and again, gently pushing further into the shell until it’s perfect. Because that’s what Leo is. What none of the others can ever hope to achieve.

Donnie looks over the piece. He goes back to a few places and cleans it up, then runs a damp cloth over it, watching for any sharp edges.

Because sharp edges mean places for his shell to snap, and Donnie can’t handle that thought. 

He ends up spending a little over five hours on it, going back over it again and again to make sure it’s perfect. 

Leo doesn’t say anything, just sits still until it’s over. 

Donnie eventually leans back and turns the drill off. He pulls Leo up, and positions two mirrors around him so he can see his shell. 

Donnie sees the way Leo’s eyes grow big and his mouth parts slightly. He’s clearly impressed, and the thought brings a little comfort to Donnie. 

Leo places down the mirror and scoops Donnie into a big hug. “Thank you so much, I love it.” Leo whispers, causing the younger to smile. 

It doesn’t help that later that night, Donnie dreams of all the “what if?” scenarios. 

It lasts two weeks.

* * *

** RAPHAEL **

Raph is the last one to come to Donnie. It’s not surprising in the least, he knew Raphael was into the more “rough and tough” sort of things that tattoos are usually associated with. 

So it’s not a big thing when Raph enters his lab late at night, holding a few drawings obviously done by Mikey. 

He holds them out for Donnie, and the younger takes them. He flicks through the artworks- they’re roughly all the same image, except for a few things here or there.

“A skull with flames?” Donnie asks, interest and amusement lacing his voice. Raph seems to ignore the tone and nods once. “Where do you want it?” 

On his right shoulder. The skull is in the middle with a red bandanna wrapped around its eyes. Two separate flames wrap around through its eyes, and they curl around his bicep. 

Donnie nods, still reviewing the art. He can work with this. 

He puts down the pages and puts on his gloves and mask. Raph sits down in the chair and Donnie begins marking it out. 

Raph is more talkative than the other two, while they just sat there in silence, Raph is prompting conversation. Which is.. strange to say the least. 

As he finishes wiping the stencil and he picks up the tattoo gun, he realises why that is. 

Raph’s scared of needles. 

Donnie pauses and then prompts him, “Why’d you pick this tattoo?”

“I dunno, I got Mikey ta draw me some ideas and just picked the ones I liked.” He explains, looking away from Donnie due to the way he’s sitting. 

Good, Donnie thinks, that way he won’t see the needle. 

“Oh yeah? Got any others in mind?” He continues, hoping them talking will ease Raph into it. 

He just shrugs, but his leg is tapping the floor quickly, showing Donnie that he’s nervous. 

As the needle finally touches the skin, Raph freezes. Donnie scoots as close as he can, running his free hand down Raph’s shell to try and relax him. 

“You’re okay, you’re doing great. Go on, tell me about your ideas. Any others you want?” Donnie starts, moving the needle along his arm in gentle strokes. 

Raph takes a shaky breath in and says, “Well, everyone seems to be gettin’ the kanji for family.” Donnie nods. “So maybe one of ‘em? I dunno, Don-“ he inhales sharply as the needle hits a sensitive area. 

“Sorry, sorry, you’re okay-“

“I know I’m okay!” Raph growls, but his hands are shaking in his lap. Donnie gently scratches his shell, and Raph doesn’t say anything about it so he assumes it’s okay. 

“Sorry.” Donnie mumbles, dipping the needle and then continues. “What else? Anything other than tattoos?”

Raph goes quiet for a moment, not really moving or saying anything.

“I dunno, scars are cool.”

Donnie’s brain pauses, although his hands keep working. Scars are cool? What on earth was that supposed to mean?

“What?”

“You know,” Raph struggles to find the right words. “Havin’ the Kanji as a scar. That’d be pretty cool.”

“Like... like a branding?” Donnie’s voice shakes, although his hands continue to do their job. 

Raph shrugs again. “Sure. Why not.”

They fall into relative silence for the rest of the tattoo. 

Once the outline is done, Donnie says that the colour will hurt worse, and Raph decides to do it another day. Donnie creams it and wraps it, before sending him on his way. 

A few days later, Raph comes back into the Lab with his face set in determination. They finish the tattoo and Donnie shows it to Raph. The older turtle punches Donnie’s shoulder in thanks and then is on his merry way. 

Donnie doesn’t know how to go about the whole branding thing, but he’ll look into it. 

Maybe. 

* * *

He does. 

He looks into it and manages to make it. 

It’s just a sheet of metal, cut to look like the kanji for family, and then the edges are rounded off to be safe. 

He gets his flamethrower (don't ask) and heats up the metal. He bites down on a spare leather belt he has lying around, and then presses the metal into his thigh. 

It burns. God it burns. 

The scent of burning flesh fills the air and his eyes well up with tears. 

He pulls the metal away, quickly disposing of it into a bucket of water. 

It hurts so bad. 

He can see his leg welting up, and he has to tear his eyes away from the view so he can cover it up with cream, a big antiseptic pad, and loads of bandages to keep it secure. 

He waits a week while frequently checking it for infection. His brothers of course asked what happened to his leg, but he just keeps saying it was a lab accident and not to worry. He didn’t want to get Raph’s hope up, or worry the others. 

On the seventh day, he opens the bandages to see the scar healing nicely. 

On the ninth, it’s almost completely healed into a clear scar. 

You can see what it says clear as day. 

Family . 

That’s what he’s doing this for. His family. 

Donnie finally tells Raph the good news on the tenth day. “I can do it.” There’s no happiness to his voice. He’s terrified. But the look of excitement on Raph’s face almost makes the nightmares worth it. 

Almost. 

Donnie tells him to bite down on the leather belt, and that it’s going to hurt a lot, but Raph just tells him to get it over with.

He explains the healing process, roughly a week and a half, and so Raph decides to get the mark on his left inner forearm. 

As the red hot metal presses into Raph’s flesh, Donnie knows his screams are going to appear in his nightmares. 

How could he stomach this? Hurting his brother? 

Seconds pass, and Donnie lifts it away, replacing the metal with a wet washcloth. 

They wait a few minutes, pressing on his arm to stop the blood, before he removes the cloth. He replaces it with cream and an antiseptic pad, as well as many bandages- just as he had done for himself. 

Once it was all over, Donnie checked Raph over, and sent him away with the words, “Remember to come back every night so I can check the healing process.”

Raph didn’t dignify that with a worded response, just grunted and left. 

When Donnie’s head hit the pillow that night, his dreams were filled with Raphael’s screams. 

* * *

Things quietened down after that, a tattoo here or there, but always small. 

Raph adds to his skull, making it more into a sleeve as he adds more and more of what he considers “cool”. 

Mikey gets the Leo constellations to his wrist after Leonardo gets hurt because of him.

Leo adds more flowers to his cherry blossom, having it grow up his arm, like he’s tallying something, but Donnie doesn’t know what. 

Donnie is fine. He is; he’s okay. Sure, sometimes he has dreams of accidentally paralysing Leo; or hurting Raph so badly that they never speak to him again; or even Mikey getting an infected tattoo and he doesn’t know how to fix it. 

But he’s fine.  They’re fine. 

Until Spike... or “Slash” gets mutated. 

Donnie keeps an eye on Raph. He doesn’t like the look in his eyes.

The way he fiddles with his food at meal times, that he always gets the lettuce out before realising, and then he puts it away again. 

Donnie watches, it’s what he does best. 

He observes his brother. Waits until he comes into the lab one night, which he inevitably does. 

“Donnie.” Is all the hothead says, and Donnie feels his heart being crushed. Raph’s eyes are bloodshot, he’s obviously been crying, but he doesn’t want anyone to know. 

“Yeah, Raph?” Donnie ushers him over with a hand, and Raphael seems unable to refuse. His legs walk on autopilot until they sit down in the chair. 

“I need something to remember Spike-“ Raph winces and corrects himself- “ Slash by.”

Donnie nods, he understands that completely. The loss of a pet can be earth shattering, so this doesn’t come as a surprise- although, what really does anymore?

“I was thinking..” Raph hesitates only a second, but Donnie catches it, the way his eyes harden and his hands clench- how his words become clear and unwavering. “Could you cut his name into me?”

Donnie freezes, staring at Raph with wide eyes. He’s no longer calculating, watching. He’s just... staring at him. 

Self harm. 

The word flies around his head, making itself comfortable. It shouldn’t, that word should have no place here. 

But it sounds about right. 

“You... you want me to..?” Donnie’s voice cracks as emotion fills his face. Raph sees this and thinks better of it, standing to leave. 

“Forget about it-“

He’s interrupted by two long lanky arms around his middle, and a head tucked under his chin. 

Donnie has always felt safest in Raph’s arms, even when they were kids. Raph was the person he turned to when a nightmare plagued his mind. 

Raph softens and wraps his arms around his taller brother. Usually, Donnie would wrap his arms around his brothers shoulders, since he was taller. But in times like these, when he was ever scared, or out of his element.. he would seek comfort like the little kid he used to be. 

Since he’s so tall, they seem to forget he’s the second youngest.

Donnie’s arms tighten around Raph, and his voice comes out shaky but strong. 

“Please don’t... don’t ask me to do that. I don’t want to hurt you.” He whispers, clutching to Raph like when they were seven. “I know it hurts. I know, but please Raph.” His voice breaks on Raphael’s nickname and the older turtle sighs. 

Raphael hugs his brother close, nuzzling him affectionately. If they spoke of it later, Raph would deny everything, but Donnie needed this right now. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Raphael replies just as quiet. He holds his younger brother tightly, not letting go until Donnie pulls away a few minutes later. 

The younger wipes his eyes and Raphael pulls him out of the lab and towards Donnie’s bedroom. 

“Get some sleep, Brainiac.” Raph says softly, sitting Donnie down on the bed. He turns to leave, but Donnie doesn’t let go of his hand. He turns back to see Donnie staring at the floor with uncertain eyes. 

“Can you... can you stay?” _Don't let the nightmares get me, please Raph.._

Raph pauses. Damn, his brother was making it real hard to say no. 

“Of course, Don.”

And for the first time in months. 

He slept well.

**Author's Note:**

> Ehem- also Raph gets a little leaf tattoo on his sleeve to remember Spike by <3


End file.
